I came to Christ as an adult, an experience that included a miraculous "cold turkey" recovery from a moderate drug and alcohol problem. Early in my Christian walk I really enjoyed learning about my faith, reading the Bible, and my new Christian friends. After about five years of this growing in Christ, I began to be a little unsettled about the exclusivity of this Christian tradition. Basically, if one didn't confess Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they were doomed to an eternity of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth in the burning lake of fire. This exclusivity became harder and harder to reconcile with my personal values, especially when I would meet perfectly wonderful people who were not Christian.
To complicate things, I was progressing as a leader in the church and was eventually ordained as a pastor. I wasn't the head pastor, just one of about 16 associate pastors in a very large Evangelical church. Since I loved learning, I was drawn to help others learn about their faith. Eventually, I started a small Bible institute which we built into an accredited Christian college. Parallel to building the college, I personally earned a master of divinity degree. All of this was going one while my internal conflict kept festering. Oh, I haven't mentioned that during this time I met and married a wonderful Christian woman who loved the Lord and me with all of her heart.
Twenty years into my Christian life I was feeling very trapped. What were my options? I felt like an impostor in the church and a hypocrite to those outside the church. If I were to quit the church, which was probably the right thing to do, I didn't have any other work experience to fall back on except a few years in retail sales. I decided to go back to school and earn a doctorate in higher education, since I never lost my love of learning and helping others to learn. However, during this time I still couldn't muster the courage to leave the church.
As fate would have it (I think as a pagan I can say that now), the down-turn in the economy in the latter half of the 2000's eventually lead to the church having to let me go in 2010. Fortunately, I quickly found a job in higher education, at which point part of my problem was solved, I was no longer a leader in the church. Unfortunately, I landed in a Christian university. Fortunately, this university was not nearly as conservative as my former church and college. They are very nice people and I enjoy what I am doing, albeit still under the guise of a Christian.
Last Christmas (2013) the university President jokingly commented that only pagans opened Christmas presents on Christmas eve. This really struck a cord in me. I started reading about paganism, fascinated by the symbolism that had been incorporated into Christianity over the centuries, i.e., the yule log, the Christmas tree, mistletoe, etc. The more I learned about general concepts of paganism the more I thought it might be the path for me. I have always loved the outdoors, astronomy, animals, and the cycles of nature. As an avid backpacker I spent many nights sleeping under the stars, frequently watching the constellations circle overhead.
What sealed the deal for me to become a pagan, was the notion that humanity and creation were not inherently corrupt (as with the Christian doctrines of depravity and original sin). The pagan idea that all of creation is both good and connected was so freeing for me. I was no longer separated from those who did not believe as I did. People were free to believe and live as they chose with no guilt or condemnation. I hope to unpack the implications that this paradigm shift has for me in future posts. In the mean time, I am enjoying learning as much as I can about my new pagan path.
I still have some conflicts, I work at a Christian university and am married to a wonderful Christian woman. My wife knows that I have lost my Christian faith, but the university where I work does not. My wife does not know about my conversion to paganism, but I hope to rectify that. Conflicts notwithstanding this is my Christian testimony in reverse.
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