Hopelessly nostalgic for the 70s: I lost an old friend today

I used to be a boy, my heart was young and supple then,

But now it's stony cold, I'm old and I could use a friend.

My world is not like yours, I come from somewhere long ago.

But now there's no way back, I'm lost and feeling so alone.

You can leave me in the air age if you like,

But I'd dearly love to go back to my own time.



Today I heard my old friend Dan Eiselein died. I was checking Facebook and saw an in memoriam photo and message post from his page in my news feed. At first I thought he was kidding because I had seen a strange post from him a couple of months ago. It was kind of a rant about an ex wife. I thought this new post may have been another way to lash out at her. But when I looked at his page, his son had posted a couple of other messages on Dan's page regarding his passing on July 5th. This news hit me surprisingly hard. I am not a very emotional guy and I guard myself from getting too close to people for various reasons, but my reaction to this news has opened a floodgate of thoughts and emotions.

I admit I hadn't seen Dan since around 1979, but we were pretty close at the time. We worked together for a couple of years and were roommates during one of the funnest periods of my life, from about 1975 through 1979. It is that time of life (ages 18-24) that I am hopelessly nostalgic for. It was such a carefree time of close friends (Dan being one of the closest at the time) in a very special community. Many of us worked at a place called the Mission Inn, which is a national landmark in Riverside, CA. We all lived within a few blocks of the hotel in cheap little old houses on the same street, it was kind of a community of hippies. Dan and I were roommates in a two bedroom house, for which we paid $135 a month rent. Many of us road skateboards to and from work, and much our leisure time was spent on our front porch listening to music, smoking pot, and drinking beer. All we did was work, party, and go to rock concerts.

It was at this time that I bought my first drum set and we started a band. Dan was the singer, I was the drummer, my high school buddy Ken was the bass player, and Dave (another guy I worked with at the Mission Inn) played a smokin' hot guitar. We got pretty good and played at parties and even occasionally on our front porch.

This was such a magical time. The part I miss most is the relationships with friends like Dan. I felt like I could be and say anything with these people. There was no judgment. We talked about anything and everything, and knew very little about any of it. Today my relationships feel very different. I am a professional with a master's and doctorate degree and work in a conservative higher education environment. I don't feel I can be myself and I weigh every word for fear of being judged, viewed as ignorant, or being seen for who I really am (whoever that is). This is where I resonate so much with the words to the Be Bop Deluxe song, Life in the Air Age.

I used to be a boy, my heart was young and supple then,

But now it's stony cold, I'm old and I could use a friend.

My world is not like yours, I come from somewhere long ago.

But now there's no way back, I'm lost and feeling so alone.

You can leave me in the air age if you like,

But I'd dearly love to go back to my own time.

I'm going to miss you Dan. Rest in peace bro.

My first devotion: Joined by a lizard

Two days after my dedication rite I performed my first devotion. I'm calling it a devotion because there was no special calendar or other event that I was trying to recognize. I just wanted to begin developing a relationship with the gods and local spirits.

It was a very simple ritual. I turned off my phone (so as not to be disturbed), dimmed the lights, laid out a small tapestry cloth on my desk, arranged a candle and my offering, and lit some incense. My offering consisted of olive oil in a small dish and the dish was placed in another dish into which I planned to pour the offering.

When all was set, I quieted myself by taking some deep breaths and closing my eyes. Once I felt ready I greeted the God and Goddess, addressing them as Lord and Lady. I acknowledged their presence and explained that I was approaching them with an offering and a desire to establish relationship with them. I asked them to accept my offering and explained that I did not address them by name because, as of yet, I had not found a pantheon to embrace. I asked them for guidance and to help me walk in a way that honors them, my ancestors, and local spirits, and respects the earth and people around me. After I finished speaking, I quieted myself again with a few deep breaths and closed eyes. I wanted to give the Lord and Lady and spirits an opportunity to communicate with me, if that was something they wished to do. After about one minute, I heard nothing and received no impressions. So, I closed the ritual by saying "so might it be."

Finally, in the spirit of honoring the earth, I took the offering that I had poured into the dish outside to a really nice, very private, little spot behind a utility shed at my apartment complex. This was almost the most enjoyable and rewarding part of the entire ceremony. It was a beautiful, warm summer morning. Behind the shed there is a small grassy knoll, several rose bushes, and two large pine trees. When I got there and looked up into the trees, my breath was almost taken from me, this place was perfect for this part of the ceremony. I felt compelled to say a few words when I poured out the offering. Basically, I said "this is in honor of you Lord and lady, the gods, the spirits, and the earth" as I poured the oil into the grass. Then I just stood there for a few seconds taking in the moment. As I turned to leave a big lizard (who had apparently joined me for the pouring part of the ritual) took off out of the bushes along the wall of the shed.

The lizard made me think of the local spirits. Since I am in the south west, I have been considering the Native American pantheons, but the little information I have found so far has not resonated with me. I think I will start developing a relationship with the gods of the Greek pantheon, because I am most familiar with them and there is no lack of information and myth for me to study. However, I think for the purpose of connecting with my immediate environment, I would like to cultivate relationships with the local spirits. My initial impression is that the local spirits include animals, trees, mountains, hills, and places. Perhaps the lizard will become my familiar (I really don't know what a familiar is yet, but I will say more as I learn more.).

This was a very fulfilling experience, and I hope to continue a regular practice of devotions. I want to develop my sacred space a little more and begin to get more intimate with the Lord and Lady and other gods in my pantheon.

Is it a guilty pleasure to enjoy the witch myth?

I must confess that I find myself salaciously curious and enticed by the witch myth. What I mean by the witch myth is how witches are being portrayed in today's pop culture and entertainment media through shows like FX's American Horror Story: Coven, or WGN's TV series, Salem. However, the more I read and learn about real witches, their history, and the myth that was developed in an attempt to irradiate them, the more conflicted I get when watching these shows.

These shows are reinforcing the myth that witches are evil and work in concert with the devil to bring mayhem upon humanity. However, from what I am learning through my reading on Paganism, Wicca, and modern-day witchcraft and through video documentaries like The Burning Times, is that because Christian church leaders in the 16th and 17th centuries felt threatened by pagan practices in general and witches specifically they concocted what I am calling the witch myth. Characteristics and practices that seem to be a part of this myth include being filled with malice, worshiping the devil, and cursing innocent people.

One thing different about today's pop-culture witch is sex-appeal. The shows I have mentioned make witches and witchcraft seem very sexy and mysterious. Even though witches in these shows are often portrayed as loners or outcasts (which probably is intended to appeal to teenage angst), there is something enticingly lurid about these characters.

However, at the same time that I am enjoying shows like Salem and Coven, I grow more and more angry over the mistreatment witches, and women accused of being witches, have received over the centuries. One thing that I think the Salem show is doing well is magnifying the myopic and irrational means by which the Puritans found and killed people they claimed were witches (mostly women but some men) during the Salem witch trials. It is near the end of the season for the show Salem and the audience (me) has been brought to a point of such hatred for the antagonist, Increase Mather (Cotton Mather's father), that we can't wait for him to be taken out with a most gruesome and torturous death.

Hear is my question: Do modern-day witches and Wiccans enjoy these shows as simply fictional entertainment, or are they repulsed by them viewing them as detrimental and counter-productive to their image and way of life? I am curious because as a new pagan, I don't want to offend and I want to know if enjoying shows like these is acceptable behavior in the pagan and witch communities.

My Dedication Rite

Today (July 7, 2014) I performed a dedication rite, by which I dedicated myself to the gods and to walk a pagan path that respects and cares for the earth and the people who dwell thereupon. Since January I have been reading a number of books on both Paganism and Wicca. This reading has been very beneficial, but until today I had not done anything to manifest my new beliefs.

Alaric Albertsson's book, To Walk a Pagan Path: Practical Spirituality for Everyday, provided some very helpful steps and words to recite when performing the rite.

• I set up an altar (see video below)
• I took a few deep breaths and lit the candle and said the following (quoted from Albertson's book):

Spirits who live in this place, ancestors who have brought me to this place, gods and goddesses who bless this place, know that you are remembered and bear witness to this rite (Albertson, 2013, p. 9).

• I took a few more deep breaths and waited to see if I would get any impressions, which I did not.
• I poured my offering of olive oil into the bowl I had on the altar and said the following (also quoted directly from Albertson):

Accept this offering, freely given with my love and respect. I come before you and declare my intention to live more fully as a Pagan, to take action each day that will attune me to the universe. I ask for your guidance in my choices, that through my words and deeds I might bring honor to the old gods, bring pride to my ancestors, and bring beauty and well-being to the world around me. Let my actions keep me mindful of the earth, from which I was born and to which I will someday return. So shall I thank you with joy and gratitude (Albertson, 2013, p. 11).

• After this I took a few moments to listen for any impressions, which I did not receive. I put out the candle and said "So might it be." I took the oil that I used as an offering outside and poured it on the earth. 

My next steps will include some form of daily spiritual practice. Additionally, I want to find a pantheon to embrace and learn from. Finally, I plan to acquire and/or make some more formal elements by which to perform rituals. Unfortunately, all of this still needs to be in secret because my Christian wife does not know that I have chosen this path. I hope to tell her about it when the time is right.

I took a brief video of the elements I used in the rite and described each of them.

An Elevator Speech: My Pagan Beliefs (Feedback Welcome)

Recently I read some advice given to another young pagan on how to come out of the closet to his parents regarding his pagan beliefs. It was suggested that he first prepare an elevator speech. This speech was described as a brief and concise account of what he believes. Since I currently find myself in the closet regarding my pagan path (no one in my life knows including my wife), this post will serve as a first draft of my elevator speech. I hope to get feedback from the larger Pagan community, which will help me further develop and conceptualize my beliefs, both for myself and my eventual audience.

As a new Pagan my beliefs are not well formed, but so far:

• I believe the universe is sacred and good
• I believe observing and even ritualizing the cycles of nature such as the solstices, equinoxes, and phases of the moon is an important way to connect with the universe
• I believe all people are sacred and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of their beliefs or lifestyles
• I believe everything (people, animals, trees, mountains, stars, animate and inanimate alike) is connected at a spiritual level and to some extent on a physical level 
• I believe ritual can cultivate one's spiritual connection with the universe

Finally, I believe pagan and paganism are umbrella terms that best encompass these beliefs.

Because I spent the last 25+ years deeply embedded in the Christian world, I am able to anticipate many of the questions my former peers and other Christians may have. Therefore, in addition to the above beliefs, I have prepared responses to a couple questions that I first asked about paganism when I was making the transition.

• What do you believe about creation, how did all of this come to be?
• I don't know how or when the universe was created, but I think it so magnificent and good that it is reasonable to reverence and even worship the creation. Perhaps it was created by a god/goddess or multiple gods, at the very least attributing creation to an entity (even if the entity serves as an archetype) is a productive way for me to focus the veneration I have for creation. At this time I don't have a name for this entity or entities, but I am comfortable with the idea that there are two of them, the God and the Goddess, the male and the female. 
• What do you believe happens to your soul after you die?
• I don't know what will happen to me or my soul after I die, but at this point I think I will continue in some way because I believe everything in the universe is somehow eternal and connected. I like the line in the Joni Mitchell song titled Woodstock that reads "We are stardust, we are golden, and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." To me these words speak of the inter-connectedness of all things and eventually there will be a return to some pristine state of being. Perhaps there is a heaven, Nirvana, or Valhalla, or some form of reincarnation; I just don't know. I do know that I have a life to live and I want to live it in harmony with what I can see and experience of the universe around me.

Even as I write out these beliefs, I wonder if a proper pagan perspective would be more about practice than belief. It is my understanding that Christianity is more doctrine-based and paganism is more practice-based. Unfortunately, I have done next to nothing when it comes to pagan practice and ritual. I hope to start this week by performing a dedication rite, adopting a pantheon to connect with, and creating a sacred space that can serve as an altar. I know this sounds ambitious, but I am on vacation this week with nothing else to do. 

From Christian to Pagan: A Christian Testimony in Reverse

I came to Christ as an adult, an experience that included a miraculous "cold turkey" recovery from a moderate drug and alcohol problem. Early in my Christian walk I really enjoyed learning about my faith, reading the Bible, and my new Christian friends. After about five years of this growing in Christ, I began to be a little unsettled about the exclusivity of this Christian tradition. Basically, if one didn't confess Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they were doomed to an eternity of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth in the burning lake of fire. This exclusivity became harder and harder to reconcile with my personal values, especially when I would meet perfectly wonderful people who were not Christian.

To complicate things, I was progressing as a leader in the church and was eventually ordained as a pastor. I wasn't the head pastor, just one of about 16 associate pastors in a very large Evangelical church. Since I loved learning, I was drawn to help others learn about their faith. Eventually, I started a small Bible institute which we built into an accredited Christian college. Parallel to building the college, I personally earned a master of divinity degree. All of this was going one while my internal conflict kept festering. Oh, I haven't mentioned that during this time I met and married a wonderful Christian woman who loved the Lord and me with all of her heart.

Twenty years into my Christian life I was feeling very trapped. What were my options? I felt like an impostor in the church and a hypocrite to those outside the church. If I were to quit the church, which was probably the right thing to do, I didn't have any other work experience to fall back on except a few years in retail sales. I decided to go back to school and earn a doctorate in higher education, since I never lost my love of learning and helping others to learn. However, during this time I still couldn't muster the courage to leave the church.

As fate would have it (I think as a pagan I can say that now), the down-turn in the economy in the latter half of the 2000's eventually lead to the church having to let me go in 2010. Fortunately, I quickly found a job in higher education, at which point part of my problem was solved, I was no longer a leader in the church. Unfortunately, I landed in a Christian university. Fortunately, this university was not nearly as conservative as my former church and college. They are very nice people and I enjoy what I am doing, albeit still under the guise of a Christian.

Last Christmas (2013) the university President jokingly commented that only pagans opened Christmas presents on Christmas eve. This really struck a cord in me. I started reading about paganism, fascinated by the symbolism that had been incorporated into Christianity over the centuries, i.e., the yule log, the Christmas tree, mistletoe, etc. The more I learned about general concepts of paganism the more I thought it might be the path for me. I have always loved the outdoors, astronomy, animals, and the cycles of nature. As an avid backpacker I spent many nights sleeping under the stars, frequently watching the constellations circle overhead.

What sealed the deal for me to become a pagan, was the notion that humanity and creation were not inherently corrupt (as with the Christian doctrines of depravity and original sin). The pagan idea that all of creation is both good and connected was so freeing for me. I was no longer separated from those who did not believe as I did. People were free to believe and live as they chose with no guilt or condemnation. I hope to unpack the implications that this paradigm shift has for me in future posts. In the mean time, I am enjoying learning as much as I can about my new pagan path.

I still have some conflicts, I work at a Christian university and am married to a wonderful Christian woman. My wife knows that I have lost my Christian faith, but the university where I work does not. My wife does not know about my conversion to paganism, but I hope to rectify that. Conflicts notwithstanding this is my Christian testimony in reverse.

Blog Start Up

I have attempted to start blogging a few times over the past several years, but without much success. I think part of the reason for my lack of success is that I had incomplete motives. My first blog was based on my professional vocation, adult higher education. I liked the lofty idea of sharing my thoughts and conversing with those with similar interests. So I created the blog and produced an introduction to the blog theme, andragogy. This was a brief (boring) academic essay that may have been interesting to someone without any knowledge of the topic but not to anyone within the field.

So I eagerly waited for people to see my blog and for me to be inspired to write some other “fascinating” pieces. Neither of these things came to be. I quickly realized that I had not developed the habit of writing for reflection or opinion. Additionally, I was not involved in any other blogging activity, such as reading other blogs. I think my main motive was to demonstrate my “knowledge” in the field of adult education. This effort quickly died on the vine as soon as it started about five years ago.

Things have changed a lot since then. I have become much more familiar with social media such as Twitter, YouTube, and Google+. In addition to that I have become fascinated with Paganism and Wicca. For the past six months I have been voraciously reading books on the topic and I have joined a few Pagan/Wiccan communities in Google+, followed a few people on Twitter who self-identify as either Pagan or Wiccan or witches, and I have watched and subscribed to several YouTube channels of this type. Many of those in the Google+ Pagan communities have blogs that I have enjoyed following and reading.

Because I am a little better versed in the world of social media than I was when I made my first blogging attempt, I think now is a good time to try again. My purpose for this blog is to have a place where I can develop and benefit from reflective writing. I hope to blog about my journey into Paganism as well as other things such as my obsession with all things “70s”; I am a hopeless nostalgic. Additionally, I hope to learn from and connect with other bloggers.

I have just started a weeklong “staycation” during which my goal is to write one post a day, whether or not I feel super inspired. This is my first post. After my staycation, I will revise my writing goal, but it will be important to have a goal of some kind in order to cultivate this new discipline.